Constant State of Prayer
Posted: January 16, 2009
Many things have been witnessed and experienced by me, from within and without from the end to the conception. If I take the moment to reflect from a place of stillness I notice that I am in a constant state of prayer. I am continually in conversation with the unseen all seeing and the ghosts that live in my heart.
If I am straight with it I can see that my vigil comes from a deeply scarred psyche. I am paranoid, terrified, and distrusting of my potential losses. I have lost so many people close to me that I can’t live a day without thinking about the inevitable next turn towards our collective and individual deaths. This is what bores the hole that can never be filled deep within my soul.
Do I believe in God? No. But how I could I not? My mind has seen it, what can I say? Obviously this has nothing to do with the church. I believe that God is a simple word to use to express something that is complicated in a way that it is well beyond language. I will use the word. The christian God doesn’t do it for me but the saints work on some levels. There is a path there I can see it.
My constant state of prayer is on the verge of begging at times “please don’t, please don’t…” but the most consistent mantra is one of safe passage, wherever and whomever that may be. There are very few things I can say with certainty that I know. I will suffer. I will love. I will wait. I am willing. I am dust.